How’re You?

This is a question that I get a lot. How are you doing? Are you doing ok? And let me start off by saying that I am thankful and appreciative for each time that someone asks. The support has been amazing. Thank you. This post is not an indication that I want people to stop asking, because I don’t.

Each time I get asked, I don’t really know how to answer this question. I think in part because I don’t know how I’m doing. Do I say “Good thanks.” when I’m not doing good at all? Do I say I’m “ok”, when even that is a stretch? I think I’ve resorted to variations of “I have good days and I have bad days.” and “Getting by, day by day.” Because when you lose someone who is as important to you as Erika was to me, that is about all you can do. Plus, I understand that quite often, the person asking me the question is also struggling with Erika being gone, so I try to be aware of that too. I’m not the only person who has suffered a loss. She touched so many people, there are many who are shocked and hurt by this. But yes, I do understand that very few were as close to her as I was lucky to be.

But back to the original question, I’m not sure how to answer it. It is true that I have bad days, and less bad days, as right now there really isn’t anything I’d consider to be a “good” day. I do think that I am going through the stages of grief, and they can be cyclical. Denial is the first, and I’ve definitely been there. It’s also shock and disbelief. I’m also still there at times. I still cannot believe that she’s gone. I still have moments when I expect her to come home. To see her in the house, or think she’s just away on a business trip and maybe tomorrow night, she’ll be back home again, only to quickly realize that is not the case. I am just having such a hard time understanding how she is gone. For those wondering, I don’t have an answer yet. The doctors never got an answer, we still don’t know what happened or why. They are working on that and we hope to have answers soon. The not knowing is also a huge issue for me. She was so healthy, so full of life. None of it makes sense. All I can do is think back to very recent times when we were home, together, having fun, making each other laugh, waking up to each other every day.

So how am I doing? I really don’t know. The answer isn’t good, but I’m not sure what to say when people ask. I’m getting by. I’m dealing with it. I constantly think of Erika. I constantly miss her. I constantly cannot believe she isn’t coming home. I know everyone says that it will get better with time, and that’s probably true, but just so hard to believe right now.

I like to end these posts with a picture. Here is one of the the last pictures that she and I ever took together. August 10th, at home, on our backyard deck, just having fun together.